Determination
|
|
|
Determination: A bringing, or coming, to an end. In articles past I ve maligned the act of will as a golden calf that often takes the place of true clarity and vision. I ve also suggested, on more than one occasion, that while iron will can ultimately take you to where you think you ought to be, clarity will enable you to both enjoy the process and subsequently deliver you to a more appropriate end station. As is true of all fundamental beliefs, an exception will always prove the rule. (This opening statement may also be interpreted as your humble author s weak attempt at justifying his contradictions, I ll leave the dissection of his character to your forgiving judgement). Nothing disproves a cherished theoretical belief faster than a generous helping of personal experience. Cosmic speed-slaps inevitably follow quickly on the heels of unexplored idealism, as I discovered on my recent foray into the 1999 Vancouver Intl. Marathon. For months leading up to the event I had allowed the immediate trials and tribulations of day to day life to supplant my carefully laid training program. This continued right up to the point where, three months prior to the run, I disengaged myself from the commitment, convincing myself, and those around me, that running the race was relatively unimportant given the more pressing, urgent issues in my life. With the internal bullshit alarm screeching and the days creeping past I soon found myself five weeks from the start of the run with a grumbling sense of guilt (see: Procrastination, issue 5), inner disappointment (see: Commitment, issue 1), and an unhealthy sense of duplicity (see: Balance, issue 2). To drum out my nagging feelings of personal disappointment I laced up the Asics and trundled off for a long overdue run through the trails of the North Shore. Somewhere along the 10K jaunt I was struck with the epiphany/lunacy that I could somehow manage my way through the marathon on a mere five weeks of training (less the mandatory four days of tapering), and from this ill-thrown delusional seed a challenge was sown. I could twist myself into a ligament searing lotus position, focus deeply on the inner joy and fulfillment that running provides my challenge starved soul and ponder the meaning of balance and creativity until my limbs snap. But none of the above was going to help me at km 38 as I was painstakingly dragged my cement encased, blister scarred, gatorade stained feet up the 4th Ave hill towards Jericho beach. For that I would need to rely upon a healthy dose of determination, and plenty of it! We bipeds occasionally seek out a test to reaffirm our belief in ourselves, to prove, on a deeper, nonsensical level, that we possess an accessible inner source of strength and will, that we re more than we sometimes believe ourselves to be. Tests, and in particular secret private tests, allow us to both subtly, and overtly, change the nature of who we are and what we are capable of achieving. I knew in my heart that I could comfortably manage the first 2/3rds of the run based on past experience alone. (If running 30km in 7 degree weather clad in less than most would don for their opening night of marital bliss can be considered comfortable) but understood clearly that km 30 to km 42 would be a formidable challenge. Aside from the experience of foolishly climbing Masada (an historic site perched atop a desolate mountain in the barrens of the Negev desert in Israel) during the peak of the mid-day sun, I can, with a high degree of confidence, accurately conclude that completing the final six kms of the Vancouver marathon was the most physically demanding, and emotionally taxing voluntary endeavor of my life. It altered me on some deep peddle-my-ass-down-to-the-shrink way that I don t pretend to understand. Yet through this experience I now know that, through will and determination, I can drive myself through almost any situation I hadn t the luxury and foresight of anticipating. The more prudent among you will look upon my 3:39 time as a potential indicator of my fleeting sanity, while others may take it as an encouraging sign that training is an unnecessary pre-requisite for marathon success. I know for certain that the editor is at this very moment pondering the probability of libel action should any of you in the listening audience attempt to emulate my somewhat unique training schedule. Regardless of your initial thoughts, my hope is that from the painful depths of my foolhardy (though exceptionally gratifying) quest, you ll glean a shred of insight into your own beliefs and then set an unreasonable goal for the future. In the past I naively thought determination to be little more than a cheap substitute for vision rather than for what it truly can be: a catalyst for change when clarity is elusive. I challenge you to find your own personal km 36-42 experience (lawsuits notwithstanding) and explore the beliefs surrounding the depths of your own strength. |
Expand all
Collapse all
